Growing Older......

So my birthday is coming up soon - March 18. I will be the big 3-6! EEK! I have been in a bad mood for the past several days and I have pinpointed the reason - me growing older. Well, I don't think it is so much of me growing older, but the fact that I feel that I should be further in life then what I am.

I remember when I was a kid/teenager - I always thought that when I was in my 30s, those would be the best of times. I would have the career I should have, I would have the family I should have, and I would just be where I was supposed to be in life at that age. Okay - who was I kidding? I will be OVER halfway through my 30s in just a few short days and I feel like that I have not accomplished anything.

Sure, I have two wonderful sons (one is 7-1/2-years old and the other one is 20-months-old). They surely keep me grounded. I have been married for over 9 years - and as God knows, it hasn't always been a bed of roses, but we have made it. I have a great family, though we never do "family" activities anymore since all of our grandparents passings. No family dinners besides a holiday.

I guess what is causing me the most grief is that I feel like I have nothing to look forward to - nothing. Well, I do have two tickets to an upcoming Casting Crown's concert in April, but my bet is 9 out of 10 chances, we won't be able to find a babysitter - so they will probably go to waste. But, other than that, I cannot find anything to get excited about. Is it pity party time or has it just sunk into me that I have wasted a lot of my life?

I feel that I have failed in so many ways and that IF I would have done so many things different, my life would have been so much better. If I would have stayed in college and finished, I could be more successful. If I wouldn't have eaten that extra donut, I would be thinner. If I wouldn't have done this, things would be better....and so on. I know the past is in the past and we cannot change the past, but oh only if we could.

I don't know why this is bothering me so bad. I have a two healthy kids, a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs, and everything else that we need. I guess it is the "extras" that I am missing.

Anyway, I can see why my dad gets so upset when his birthday is coming up - I finally get it now. For some people, a birthday is a celebration. But I guess, for others, it is a time of reflection of what they could have done better.

Maybe I can take these feelings and turn it into something positive. But I really feel that when someone loses the ability to have something to look forward to, they lose a lot of "umph" in life. So my question is this - how do you keep things ahead to look forward to?